My New Year's Resolution

This is a post from my friendster blog:

Dear You,

You should know that I write this for my sanity and for my freedom. I rarely make up New Year’s Resolutions (I barely even think about them for God’s sake) but I promised myself this year that I would make one and I will follow through on this one. This would be unique in that I would actually keep this one promise to myself.

Before I postulate on that single New Year’s Resolution, however, let me just provide a little background. For the whole year of last year, you’ve constantly occupied my thoughts. And while there’s the constant interference of work, life and just about everything else, I always knew that there was one thing that was constantly in my head: You.

Just as certain as I would fix a difficult bug, I could always trust myself to pull you out somewhere in the cluttered corners of the cobwebby attic that is my head. If you ask me, I don’t know what it is about you. I don’t even understand why I put you there up on that pedestal. It’s simply not something I normally do. I’ve only done that once before in my life and it never really turned out well.

At any rate, yes you were there in my head. For the most part, it was good. I didn’t mind. I like you. But the problem was that you stayed there and I found it difficult to displace you. No, it’s not your fault. You’re awesome the way you are I suppose and maybe that’s why you are difficult to displace. But, like I said, I’ve been here before. This is not my first tango so to speak.

And so I laid out the facts and I was honest with myself. The first and most important reason I would not say here lest you happen to read this blog and it would be too obvious. But even if the first reason wasn’t there as a hindrance, the 2^nd was enough for me to take action. What’s the 2^nd reason you say? You exist in another plane of existence. Another universe. We’re just so completely different, we live in different worlds. I couldn’t get to you if I tried. And don’t get me wrong, I’d be stupid enough to try even if it’s only to confirm that you’re not for me. Then again, who am I kidding right?

So here I am, one year later. Captain America is dead. Bruce Wayne is no longer Batman and Chuck still isn’t with Sarah. The world is a darker place. Is this why I’m doing this? No, not really. Mostly, I just feel sorry for myself that I keep pining for something that is impossible to attain. So yes, I’m doing what Joel did in Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind. I’m forcibly removing you from my head.

I need this for my sanity. I need this so that I can move on. I need this so that I can make the most out of what little time I have left to find the right one. I need this to finally exhale because I feel like I’ve been holding my breath for a whole year. And I realize now how idiotic and pointless the effort has been. But hey, I prayed, I hoped, I waited and… as is often the case with things like these, nothing happened.

But if you’re wondering if that’s my new year’s resolution, it’s not. My new year’s resolution is to finally say what I think about you. I don’t often put people in my head for no reason at all. I don’t often embarrass myself in front of others for the heck of it. I don’t make myself vulnerable for anyone who’s less than perfect. In short, I didn’t put you in my head just because you were the prettiest girl in the room.

If nobody’s told you before or you don’t believe it yourself, you are my idea of perfect. But my idea of perfection is not really free of flaws. You are flawed in more ways than one. But maybe it’s the flaws that highlight the good things about you. It is said that we are the sum of our parts and believe you me, I have never seen a symphony better assembled than you. You’re like an unfinished work of art, it’s not complete and yet, no matter how much you add, subtract to it, it still looks just… perfect.

And maybe that’s the problem. I don’t really feel like I’ve done enough in this world to deserve someone perfect because as most people would point out, I am flawed in many ways. There simply isn’t enough in this world to justify this idea of us I keep daydreaming about. And while the healthy proportion of my ego often demands a lot out of people, I actually feel that you’re one of the few people in this world that I would disappoint and I wouldn’t want to wish that on you. You have better choices and you deserve better.

But like only once before you, you are the perfection I could never deserve in this life. If anything, I am fortunate enough to be your friend. At least, we’ll always have that.

I don’t know the significance of the fact that I couldn’t get you out of my head for an entire year. Does it signify something deeper than infatuation? I can’t answer that. But I do like you the way you are and I’ll still like you no matter how much you change. But I can’t let you stay in my head because it’s starting to affect other parts of me that I would rather leave unharmed for now.

So, there, my new year’s resolution has been fulfilled. If you should read this and know that it’s really YOU I’m talking about, I’d just like to say thank you for being you. Whatever happens in this life, I’m always here to be a friend but nothing more.

I guess I’ll have to live with that.

Always,

Me